I miss Sean so incredibly much. It eats me inside knowing the reason I’m hurt and lonely is my fault. I let my insecurities, my walls, and fear keep me from being a relationship with a guy that was probably the best thing for me. And I still care and he is already over me. And I know that he is. But idk why I still pray it will just randomly change one day because it wont. I always fuck myself out of a good thing. He was the greatest thing to me. And I fucked up
So I have not slept since mid afternoon yesterday. Last night I was doing my philosophy paper in the study lounge while some of the baseball boys were having a party…or more so a normal everyday night of drinking and smoking. I heard there were two gels vomiting and just basically extremely fucked up in the room so I went I to check and see: ALL THE BOYS ARE JUST PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AS THE PUT THESE PEOPLE IN ONE ROOM.
I heard this girls cry of help from the toilet bowl so I stayed with her for a while then at one point she just rolled over onto my lap and hysterically cried because she was young and scared (found out she’s in high school still), and I just couldn’t bare to leave her. I literally just held her in my arms like a mother holds a child. So I was up all night with this stranger, talking to her, comforting her, calming her down, and whenever she asked for my hand I gave it to her and rubbed her back and while taking breaks when she was asleep to write. Idk why I just couldn’t abandon her. And I feel no ounce of regret for it. I can’t even think of how I would have slept knowing I left her helpless with those barbarians. ONE OF THEM PEED ON HERSELF.
I’M ACTUALLY A REALLY NICE PERSON IM JUST USED TO BEING WALKED ALL OVER AND DISRESPECTED SO SOMETIMES I COME OFF AS MEAN BUT I JUST CANT LET PEOPLE TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME AND I HAD TO GROW UP REALLY FAST OK BUT I PROMISE I HAVE A GOOD HEART AND GOOD INTENTIONS AND I DONT WANT TO EVER HURT PEOPLE’S FEELINGS BUT SOMETIMES I JSUT HAVE TO HAVE THE UPPER HAND AND MAKE SURE I DONT GET HURT IM SORR YI LOVE EVERYONE
SOMEBODY FUCKING SAID IT
Have you ever listened to a song that makes you want to stop everything your doing? Just wanting to sit there in silence with only sound of the voices and instruments filling the room as you immerse yourself into the words and let them crawl up your spine and sliver down your skin. A moment of complete exposure, sadness and euphoria all at the same time. And it’s wonderful.
Or maybe that’s just me.
The more and more I think about it and talk about it the more and more i really fucking hate myself. I fucked up terribly. I didnt listen to everyone tell me how amazing you were because I was stubborn, im horribly insecure, and refuse to trust people. But you were the best thing offered to me in life and I threw it all away, hurt you, well believe that i did, and in the end I only hurt myself. Its fucking karma and exactly what I get but im still going to pretend that I’m completely over you and that you dont mean anything to me but its pretty damn obvious i want nothing more than to kiss you one more, and have you run your fingers along my body as we cuddle until I fall asleep, and your random kisses on my forehead, and how we would talk all day for hours and hours and never get bored, how easily you could make me laugh and how you tried your best to find anything to make me smile, your open heart and quirky personality that understood mine…
Fuck let me stop. I’m crying again. Fuck